First Drafty Draft

1

    The thick book fell to her chest and jerked her awake. Stirring slowly, she extended her legs and raised her wrist in front of her face. 11:32pm. Yawning loudly, the thin woman put her arms over her head and stretched herself off the comfortable and slightly dingy armchair in her one bedroom apartment. She softly shut the book and set it on the table near her seat, and stopping only once to turn off the living room light, she proceeded to the kitchen to make another pot of coffee.
    The reoccurring nightmares had become graphic enough to make her want to stay awake, and even though she must have only nodded off for a few moments, the pictures of a dark room with glass shattered around her limbs seemed to be stained on the backs of her eyelids, showing themselves every time she blinked. Trying to shake it off, she flipped on the small television that sat near the refrigerator and turned the volume up.
    “This just in for our evening’s news,” the anchorman said in his usual gruff voice, as the coffee started to drip into the pot, “we have just received notice that yet another church, this time St. Aristo, the nationally acclaimed church in Addison County which constantly holds fundraisers to help the elderly and the poverty stricken, has been set on fire. Although the locations don’t fall into a specific pattern, a source has said that it is now naïve for anyone to believe that these acts of arson are not connected. To be sure something like this doesn’t happen in our town, or indeed, anywhere else, we urge anyone with information to come forward, tell the authorities and…” with a heavy groan, the young woman jammed the power button on the remote and set it back down on the counter, deep in thought.
    She sank into a kitchen chair and pressed her fingers to her temples. Though the news no longer horrified her as it used to, she knew the fires meant that they were still out there. She shook her head, as if trying to clear her mind of the thoughts that consumed her, but it only seemed to stir more of her memories into focus. As she delved into deeper thought, the sharp ringing of a phone brought her back to reality and she shot out of her chair. Fumbling to pick it up, she cleared her throat.
    “Hello?”
    The tone of her voice surprised her. Even now, despite the things her mind was thinking, she sounded perfectly calm, as if she had just gotten home from a movie, or perhaps had just finished eating dinner.
    Silence on the other line put a knot in her stomach, but still her voice remained collected. She tried again.
    “Hello?”
    “Janie?” Relief spread over her, loosening the knot in her abdomen.
    “Sam! I was just thinking about you!” A lie, but, had she been honest, she might have scared away the only person whom she had let become a close friend.
    “Thinking of me near midnight, hmm? Always something I like to hear.” Janie laughed. His voice seemed to increase in warmth after her laugh, each word sounding more soothing than the last. After polite questioning of each other and their days, Sam asked her if she would like to grab lunch the next day. She agreed, and after more polite goodbyes, she hung up the phone and delicately put it back in its cradle.
    Now that she had plans she knew she would have to sleep. Though slightly put off by the impending nightmares that were no doubt treading at bay until she slipped into unconsciousness, she turned the coffee off, turned on her heel, and went to bed.
   
    The room would have been pitch black had it not been for a small window that let in a streak of the moon. A young girl with dark hair sat shaking in a corner, her knees and arms pulled in to each other to prevent even more shards of broken glass from sticking to her skin. When a cloud shifted in the sky, more pieces of glass would reflect and twinkle across the floor, but the black walls seemed to hungrily eat up the light they cast. Fear and deep confusion seemed to tear at her skin, as grief slithered its way down her throat to stop the screams that so badly wanted their presence to be known.
    She looked around, realizing that at this point, she would not think of a gun as an enemy. Red, sticky liquid trickled from various cuts on her arms and torso, running from her body. She envied her blood. It was able to flee while she could do nothing but shake. She was scared, but knew with a dull thud in her heart that she would not allow herself to surrender. Using her hands, she tried to feel around for anything to help her gain solid ground, but only cut her hands on the debris that littered the floor. She heard a noise outside the door, a footstep she was sure, but who that noise belonged to was what scared her. Her imagination went into overdrive as she gulped down sobs that she would not let break free. If this were to be the end of her, she would not go a coward. She sat as straight as she could, trying her best not to show her pain. The door opened, and bright fluorescent lights caused her pupils to dilate as it pooled into the room. Janie hung her head, awaiting her verdict.
    “Congratulations Cor, you passed.”

    Janie shot up so hard in bed that it hurt her neck. Her hands scrambled to her eyes and rubbed the sleep out of them, then jolted to the lights and threw them on. Her eyes dilated as they had in the dream as the color came back to her world, removing her from the dark she was sleeping in. She was sweating. Angry that these dreams, no, these flash backs, affected her this badly, she punched at the pillow and slammed herself back in bed. She threw blankets back up over her and tried to breathe deeply, and calm herself down. Momentarily fluttering her eyes, she let the fact that the lights were on soothe her back to a semi-conscious state, and within minutes, she was asleep.
    Morning came much faster than she thought it would, and soon it was not only the lights in her room that brightened the day, but the sunlight outside as well. She stretched and pushed bangs out of her face with an index finger. Climbing out of bed, she rubbed her limbs mechanically, and headed to the bathroom.
    While brushing her teeth, her eyes briefly flittered over the burn on her arm, which, upon closer inspection, was the word “beyond”. She had gotten better at pretending it didn’t exist, and had found that as she did so- less and less people seemed to notice it. However, this morning, perhaps because of the growing intensity of the dreams, or maybe it was purely coincidental, her eyes seemed to be more drawn to it. She decided for lunch she’d wear a long sleeve shirt. As she picked it out she was very thankful that it was nearly winter. Once finally ready, she took one last glance at her reflection and left.




2

    It was a slightly chilly day, though the sun deceptively shone in a cloudless sky. She had recently moved to a smaller town and enjoyed being able to walk to the places of her choosing. She smiled and waved to a few people in the streets, who cheerily waved back to her. This is nothing like my old town. She thought to herself with a bittersweet sense of understanding. As she unconsciously quickened her pace, she remembered the way the sprawling streets of Addison County looked unfamiliar and uninviting, regardless how many times you drove on them. How the people never saw her, how they casually and carelessly bumped into her, not realizing or caring how that made her feel. How she had been walking down the street when a flyer fluttered next to her feet and she looked down. The flyer was white in color, and it was the plainness of it that attracted Janie to it. In big block letters were the words “If you’ve lost your way, come home”. How she had opened it, unaware that in doing so she had sealed her fate…
    Janie had arrived at the restaurant. She walked inside and pushed her sleeves up, careful not to push them over her burn. She tucked a strand of flyaway hair behind her ear and walked up to the host, who welcomed her with a warm smile. He showed her to the table Sam had booked for them. Sam, who always made sure to reserve the same table, the one Janie had said she liked so much, and she found her mind clearing and herself smiling as she sat down in the booth.
    She glanced at her watch, early as always. Smoothing her napkin on her lap she ordered waters for both her and Sam, and while she took her first sip, she saw it. Trying to avert her eyes, her first instinct was that of denial, that she was fooling herself. It wouldn’t have reached her here. They, couldn’t have reached her here. There was no way of tracking her, she had made sure of it. Looking again for the arm she saw with the same burn as her, she audibly sighed relief as she saw it was nearly a birthmark, coincidentally in the same location as her burn. She shook her head slightly and as her eyes refocused, she saw Sam. He gave a nod and walked over to her, carelessly plopping down across from her at the table.
    “Hiya angel, looks like you beat me here again!” His eyes smiled more than his mouth did, and it was a quirk Janie found endearing.
    “Hi Sam. I’m starved, let’s eat.” The waiter with the birthmark seemed to pick up on her hunger a few minutes later, and sauntered over to the table to take their order. Over salads, Sam asked how she was doing, and once again she felt the burning desire to tell him about her past, to sit down and explain to him what she had once gotten herself into, what she had done… But the idea of doing such a thing was, Janie thought, ludicrous. But maybe if she just told him about the dreams. She continued to ponder as she played with her salad. What seemed like minutes later but was probably only a few seconds, she looked up at him and their eyes locked.
    “Hey, have you ever had a series of dreams that are…” she felt herself blushing, “so real and frightening that you keep yourself up at night just to try and avoid them?” She finished the last part rapidly, already regretting that she had brought it up.  Sam shifted in his chair, and Janie couldn’t decipher whether it was because he was uncomfortable in the seat, or with her. His eyes stared down at the table, deep in thought.
    “Forget I…” Janie started, but Sam interrupted her.
    “If you’re really going to ask, then I’m really going to tell. Yeah, I had them back when an old friend of mine died. I hadn’t seen him in years but when we were kids we were pretty close. I had heard how it happened and after that, there were a few weeks where I had dreams and my mind just made up how it went. I saw him die every night for about three weeks. It was awful.” His cheeks were also suddenly flushed; he looked up at Janie curiously, perhaps to see if maybe she hadn’t meant dreams of that kind. Relief and a punch of sorrow filled Janie and she played with her salad a little more.
    “I’m really sorry about your friend Sammy. Thanks for telling me though, that…” She trailed off not knowing exactly what to say. “That helps a lot.”
    “Yeah, well.” His piercing look turned into a welcoming smile, “I do what I can for you.”
    After that, the subject was dropped and the rest of lunch was fairly normal, conversation only stopping when their mouths were full of food. It was only as they were walking out of the restaurant, when things became slightly uncomfortable. As Janie stepped outside she felt Sam’s hand tug on her wrist and spin her around. It was moments like these when she wanted to tell Sam the most. When his warm hands touched her skin, it  seemed to spread their warmth across her body.
    “Janie, why did you ask me about my dreams?” Her mouth opened and then closed again, as the warmness from Sam’s hand was yanked from her. Remembering that he didn’t know any details about her old life, she knew exposing that side of her would leave her vulnerable and perhaps in danger.
    “I’ve been having bad dreams lately. Just stuff about…” She trailed off, the lie in her mouth, but as Sam stared into her eyes, she was reminded of how honest he had been with her. The lie was swallowed back down as she spit out the truth. “Stuff about, before I moved here.” She shifted uncomfortably, and Sam broke their gaze.
    “You’ve never really mentioned who you were or where you came from when we met Janster. You want to talk about it?” She smiled and pushed a loose strand of hair behind an ear. “Maybe another time.” She gave him a hug goodbye, and started the walk back home.
    Thoughts seemed to swarm her head as she put one foot in front of the other, not knowing how or when she’d ever be able to tell Sam what she wanted so badly to say. She often times thought she would start by saying “I have no idea how I got myself into this…” but knew, in her heart of hearts, that she knew exactly how she got there.
    As each foot hit the pavement, a new thread of memory struck her, and for once she actually started to let them fold together, trying to raise the guilt that seemed to so heavily stick to her chest. She turned around and started jogging slightly to catch up after Sam.
    “Sam! Sam! Wait!” Her feet thudded against the ground, her sleeves falling softly back to her wrists. Sam, who was just up the street from her, stopped and turned back around.
    “What is it Janster?” At this point, she stopped, feeling as though she had hit a brick wall. She knew that she finally just wanted it to come out, she couldn’t handle holding this big of a secret back, but now that she was here, in front of him, the words wouldn’t come out. Sam laughed a little and gave her a wrinkled eyebrow.  “What’s up?”
    She swallowed hard. Once. Twice. “Let’s go somewhere. I know we just went somewhere, but, let’s go somewhere.” She took his arm and led him to a shady corner with benches. He sat down, and she paced back and forward, not sure exactly how to phrase the story, not knowing if he’d even stay for the whole thing.
    “Why do I have a feeling this is something big?” He asked, and his voice sounded curious, but slightly serious.
    “Do you have a while? I’m not taking you away from anything am I?” She shot the sentence out fast, she didn’t know how much longer the courage would stay inside her.
    “I’ve got all the time in the world sweetheart, just tell me what’s up.” She bit her lip.
    “I want to tell you how I got here. Where I came from. Because I trust you. And want to tell you. If you want to know.” Her gaze met his.
    “Tell me. I want to know.” This had been the answer she wanted, but also the remark she feared. She stopped pacing and sat down next to him.  She wanted to get the most ridiculous part out first, figured if she just came out and said it, it would be easier from there. Her hands ran over her knees and she briefly fiddled with her fingers.
    “I used to be in a cult.” The truth of it made her laugh nervously afterward, and he stared at her and started to laugh too.
    “You’re kidding. You? No.” He continued to laugh, and she thought, with a sinking feeling, that even if he found it funny now, he wouldn’t find it funny later.
    “I feel guilty every time you’ve asked me what I’ve been thinking about and I say nothing.” She muttered, and he stopped chuckling.
    “Okay, so you’re being serious.” He tried to put his best serious face on, though a smile still crept around his lips every few seconds. “I always knew you must have an interesting back story. Tell me, I want to know.” Once again, she found herself at a loss, not knowing where to go from there. She pushed her sleeve up and extended her exposed arm, allowing the word beyond to be looked at. His eyes squinted to read it, then opened widely in shock. He opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head, and it silenced him.
    “Two years ago, I used to live in a town called Addison County. I’m sure you’ve heard about it, it’s been in the news for weeks now.” Even as she said this, instinctively she looked around to make sure no one was there. “I was really quiet. No one ever noticed me. The only time I ever felt like I mattered was when people bumped into me, and even then…well that’s hardly a good way to be noticed, now is it?” She had never talked about this outloud before, and found it terribly straining. The mixed emotions of how she had lived out her life started to get the best of her. Her blood pumped thick and hard while her heart pounded quickly. Her voice had already cracked twice. She put her hands in her face, embarrassed and nervous. She felt Sam’s hand rub her back lightly. Her hands trailed down her face and back into her lap. She straightened up.  “I was walking down a street one day, just like every day. The weather was the same, the scenery was the same, but something just felt different about that day. I walked a little further and the wind picked up and a flyer flew and landed next to my feet. When I looked down, all it said was “if you’ve lost your way, come home.” And had an address on the bottom. And for some reason it just caught me. And I showed up there. It was this place called The Center, it was a gray concrete building with a single door and a few small windows here and there. I walked in and met a guy named Josephine…” She paused for a moment and looked back up at Sam. He was staring intently at her, transfixed by her story. She suddenly felt as if she had done this all wrong.
    “And I got out and I’m fine now and I just wanted to tell you.” She softly finished.
    “Bullshit. That’s not all you wanted to say. What happened to you in there?” His voice wasn’t demanding, but one of concern, a voice that was hungry for her story. Janie shook her head.
    “That’s enough for right now. I’m sorry to leave you hanging like this. I just. I thought I was ready, and I’m not.” He nodded. She stood up and straightened her sleeves. As she walked off, she suddenly didn’t know how or why she was able to even get that much said.


3

    She walked slowly towards an empty room, curious to see what was inside of it. A thick hand brushed her arm and made her jump.
    “Woah, sorry there miss. Just wanted to ask if I could help you find something.” She looked at the owner of the hand, and it was a large boy, probably about her age, who was taller than her, but had much more strength to him. He had a long tattoo that peeked out from his wifebeater shirt and trailed down the length of his arm. His hair was long, almost to the middle of his back, and it was swooped into a low ponytail. It was as black as the room she was about to enter.  She held up the flyer protectively.
    “I saw this in the street, and I wanted to come.” She bit her lip, a habit she had always had when she was nervous. His entire tone seemed to change, he smiled and said to her, “Oh a new recruit. You came just at the right time! Come in with me, let him show you the way. This will change your life.” He held out his hand, which was linked to a well muscled arm. “I’m Joesphine, by the way. Just about everyone here calls me Jo though.” She shook his hand. “I’m Janie. It’s nice to meet you.” He nodded and without letting go of her hand, led her to the room she was about to enter. She was startled to see that the room was not empty afterall, it was filled with people sitting down, but the dark consumed them as they were so close to the ground. She sat down and noted, once her eyes had adjusted, that the floor seemed to be patterned in maroon and red. The patterns and splashes didn’t seem to resemble anything, they were just randomly here and there. Something about that frightened her, but made her curious as well. She looked over at Jo as a dim light started to grow brighter in front of them, and he flashed a smile at her.
    A dark figure came out from behind a wall in front of them. The crowd shrieked and clapped as the lights got brighter still. A hand came out from beneath the cloak and silence fell at once.
    “To the next step!” A deep voice yelled.
    “And beyond!” Screamed the crowd.

    Janie woke with a start. Fumbling around, almost as in routine, she rubbed her eyes and reached out for the lights. They didn’t turn on. Trying not to panic, she looked at the clock near her bed. It was also out. She looked out her window. The apartment next door to her was also black, and quickly the fear left her as soon as it had come. She sat straight up in bed, waiting just in case. Several minutes later there was a stirring noise from outside her door and a moment after that, the lights came back on. “Jesus Christ.” She muttered to herself.
    All of the dreams about The Center left her feeling queasy and exhausted. As she closed her eyes she saw the same images of the cloaked man over and over again. Boss, they had called him. Her hands cupped over her nose and mouth as she took a few steadying breaths. She kicked the blankets off her legs and slid out of bed. Walking slowly but directly, she checked her door to make sure it was locked. After she had traced the bolt with her fingers, she ruffled her hair and shook her head.
    Once back in bed, the covers once more over her torso, she shut her eyes and allowed the thoughts to come. They streamed, fast and furious at first, as though angry with her for being repressed. Then second by second, they started to slow down and the images once again started to move and become memories. Her chest rose and fell evenly, and as a hand stumbled up the wall and found the switch it was looking for, she was once again immersed in darkness.

    Janie couldn’t help but let out a loose laugh that seemed misplaced and unwanted. Her new acquaintance looked at her, not in anger but in genuine confusion. He shook his head slightly and pointed back to the cloaked man, as if to say: Just wait and see. The man wearing the cloak took a step closer to his audience, and in doing so seemed to draw all their breaths.
    “For too long”, He began, in a rich, dark voice that seemed to illuminate the dark walls for a glittering moment. “For too long we have walked on a plane that is not ours to travel. For years we have let ourselves become less than, and we accept it with smiles!  It is time to go to the next step!”
    “It is time to go beyond!” Screamed the group. Janie suddenly felt less like laughing and more like listening. This man knew exactly how she felt, and if this group was yelling back, it was certainly the way they felt too. A thought ran through Janie’s heart. Perhaps she was not so alone…
    “For much too long I have seen the hurt in your eyes and it pains me. It is time to take back the happiness that belongs to you! It is time to seek answers and be given warmth. It is time to do more than just look beyond, it is time to actually…” He trailed off and less than a second later, the entire crowd had already yelled out, “Go beyond!!”
    Janie’s heart had sped up and it felt uncomfortable in her chest. It was thumping so hard she could feel it in every part of her, all the way down to her feet. She seemed to be buzzing and light headed. She looked to the person next to her and felt Jo’s hand slip down her arm. A jolt of warmth went through her. “Come with me.”
    As Jo was sucked back into Janie’s unconscious, she started her day with a groan. Not only did she not feel rested, but her sheets were soaked with sweat. She peeled them off her legs and got out of bed. It was as she was walking to put on one of her daily pots of coffee that she saw it. She blinked rapidly and rubbed her eyes as her blood raced and her heart pumped.
    The door was unlocked. Janie squinted her eyes as her hands began to shake. Her feet, which moved like blocks of concrete, walked her to the door. Her hand reached out to the letter that was slipped in between the door and its frame. Holding back tears, she carefully unfolded the letter. Her eyes read the words as her brain processed them and suddenly everything stopped. It was a note from her landlord. Due to a concern with a few of the residents, the locks had been changed. Please note, the letter read, that the only change is that when set, the new locks look like the old locks did when they were unlocked. Please excuse any confusion. You will find a new copy of your key taped to the bottom of this page. Regards, management.
    Janie felt unusually stiff. Although clearly worked up over what turned out to be nothing, the lump in her throat was still there, refusing to leave. Her hands remained shaking and for no reason she could think of, she was suddenly overcome with a feeling of guilt. Remorse and shame covered every inch of her and made her cheeks feel flushed. What the fuck have I done? Warm tears started to well in her eyes and before she could try to blink them back, her knees gave out and she was on the ground bawling.
    She cradled herself in the fetal position as thoughts crashed over her. Her hands covered her ears, even though the pain was on the inside. Her limbs stayed still as her chest rose and fell drastically, unable to control the heaves that were escaping her body. Her sobs were loud and uncontained, and the tears slid across her nose and landed wet on the floor. She stayed this way for minutes, allowing the tantrum that had welled inside of her to run its course. Then, as the cries started to subside she thought of Sam. She rolled onto her stomach and gently put her hands down by her shoulders. She pushed up with a strength she didn’t realize she still had and picked herself off the floor. She walked heavily to her phone. Blinking what felt like only once she suddenly found herself holding the phone to her ear and heard the line connect and start to ring.
    “Hello?” Sam’s voice always soothed her so much. She sniffled and took a breath.
“Sam, it’s Janie, can you come over?” Her palm went to her face and wiped the snot from her nose. She always sounded so collected over the phone; she hoped that for now Sam would think she was suffering from allergies.
    “Yeah, I mean sure, do you want me to come right now?” His voice sounded solid. Secure.
    “Please.” Janie put the phone back in its cradle. She went to her bathroom and washed her face, trying never to close her eyes for longer than a second. She patted her face and hands dry with a towel and hung it back on the rack. She finished getting ready and went and sat on the couch.  A few minutes later her doorbell rang and she went to the door and opened it. Remaining feelings of regret and sadness temporarily left her. His hair looked good when it was messy, and the fact that he had come over before getting ready meant a lot to her, and this surprised her.
    “Are you going to let me in or did you just call me over here so you could stare at me?” Sam’s eyes twinkled as he said this, and she found a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. She realized she was no longer scared, and the lump in her throat had finally lost the battle. She took Sam’s arm and led him back over to the couch. She herself sat across from him in her armchair. She closed her eyes briefly and allowed herself to collect a few of her thoughts.
    “I want to keep talking to you. I want to keep telling you what happened to me, what I’ve done. I think the story needs to come out or I’m going to lose it.” Her eyes stared intently at him as she said this, waiting for him to process and react. He exhaled and sank into the sofa. He folded his hands in his lap.
    “Tell me Jane.” And it was then that she saw him a little differently than she had before. Then that she realized it wasn’t a superficial relationship like part of her had feared. His expression was soft. She tried to think back to what she had left the story on.
    “I…I told you about Joesphine right?”  Her brain strained to remember what she had dreamt and what she had told him.
    “You told me his name, and that’s about it.” He snuggled his back into the couch and closed his eyes, waiting intently for the rest of the story. This made Janie feel both comfortable and annoyed at the same time. This wasn’t some fairytale. It wasn’t an easy listening story. She coughed and carefully tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
    “Right. So Joesphine. He was the first person I met at The Center. He led me to where all these people held their meetings. I later found out it was the room they called ‘The misson room’. I met the director of the cult. Only, obviously I didn’t know it was a cult back then. I thought it was a group of people just like me, alone and sad. In a way it was, but we were all pawns in this guys plans. And I realize that now. He came out and he talked to everyone. This big speech about how we wouldn’t be alone anymore. And Jo smiled at me and made me feel like I existed. After that, after that meeting I was asked to stay at The Center with everyone. I buddied up with Jo. He told me things that I will carry with me to the grave. Including why his name was Joesphine.”
    Sam left his eyes closed, but his eyebrow raised. “Tell me why his name was Joesphine.” Janie shook her head, a useless gesture since Sam couldn’t see it.
    “To the grave. And I’d rather not die soon.” She smiled at this remark. Sam grunted.
    “Fine. Keep going.”
    “I started to meet people there that same week I started to stay there. It seemed as though Jo was a leader-type sort and so the people I got to know where the people that were rather important there. I met Catarina, Jack, John, Callie and David. They explained a lot to me, and immediately I felt a sort of…allegiance to the place. I think after all those years of being treated like shit I just finally felt like I belonged somewhere and it felt nice. During the next week, I was informed of missions. Missions were what proved our allegiance to Boss.”
    “What the hell are missions? And who the hell is Boss?” Sam asked, opening his eyes and straightening up.
    “Well, if you let me keep talking I’ll tell you Sammy.” She smiled and ran a hand through her hair. He nodded.
    “Missions proved we were still worthy of the center. Still worthy of Boss. Boss was the guy who gave that big speech. He was the director of everything.”
    “Right, right, I should have put that together. That guy sure doesn’t seem self-involved or anything.” Janie laughed. Even with something this serious she couldn’t help but feel good around Sam.
    “So. My second week there, Boss actually called in a meeting with me. Apparently I had fallen in with the right crowd, I had heard that typically Boss didn’t speak to individuals. Just to the group as a whole. I suppose, now that I’m out of it, that it was a way to stay in control. Group mentality can be so stupid. But, that night, he told me he saw a lot of potential in me and I just ate it up. Told me I could end the pain and suffering for a lot of people. At that point, I was so transfixed that he could have told me anything and I would have bought it. He told me he wanted me to go on my first mission. I still remember the fire that seemed to burn underneath my skin when his words sank into me. I felt so important, so a part of something. Missions, by definition, were the way of destroying beauty in an ugly world. It centered the universe, according to Boss.”
    Sam seemed to be sitting uncomfortably upright, grasping onto her every word. “What were the beautiful things you had to…” He trailed off but it didn’t matter, Janie knew what he was asking and finished his sentence.
    “We destroyed churches.”
“Holy shit. Jane are you fucking kidding me? Are you talking about the same churches in Addison fucking County that have been set ablaze for months now?” Janie nodded grimly.
    “Those would be the ones.” Sam ran both his hands through his hair. “Wow. Wow. Jesus. Wow. Janie, what the hell were you thinking? It’s like. Well at least I can sort of understand now why it’s been so hard for you to open up to me.” Janie felt that remorseful feeling of guilt and the sinking feeling of stupidity start to creep up her throat again. She swallowed hard. Sam seemed to notice. “I’m glad you’re telling me though. Whatever made you tell me, I’m glad.” There was something in his voice that didn’t make the statement all that believable though. Janie wondered if she was just being sensitive.
    “Something scared me this morning. And I just. I needed someone to talk to. I needed to talk to you.”
    They sat in silence for a while. Occasionally a noise from the outside would cause the two of them to shift. Janie didn’t try to make eye contact, she was afraid that Sam’s eyes would no longer be smiling, and it was a thought she couldn’t stand. Her head dropped completely and she seemed to be transfixed with her wrists. She decided she would continue only if he wanted to. Her head lifted, a section of bang fell over her left eye.
    “Sam, I can stop talking to you about this.” She held in her last breath and waited.
“No way Janie. I have no idea when you’ll open up to me again. You can keep going. It’s okay.” Her mind fluttered through a few memories before she remembered where she had left off.
    “My first mission was Daybrooke. It was this church a few blocks from The Center. After nightfall I was to go into the church with a can of gasoline and a lighter. I was supposed to set the first three pews on fire. I remember it had to be the closest pews to the cross as a way of denouncing my belief in God, and praising my belief in Boss. I was given three minutes to complete my task once inside the church, so Boss would know I hadn’t had any doubts. I did my task in 98 seconds. After that first one, after I was praised by everyone, missions became a part of me. Really, they became apart of everyone. The times you weren't on a mission you were planning what to do on your mission, breathing your mission, acting your mission out. Regardless how awful the mission may have seemed, our minds relished in it.” Janie looked up to see Sam giving her a look. “Well fuck, Sam, clearly I know it’s wrong now, don’t look at me like that.”
    “Sorry, you just seemed to kind of go somewhere right then. You seemed… reminiscent.” His eyes seemed to study her. She shifted her weight and tucked her hair behind her ear.
    “I’m not perfect Samuel.” She tried to use his full name as a way to share the poison she felt in her body with him. “Don’t you think I feel stupid enough? But that was my life. Those people…I thought those people were my friends, my family.” Her eyes narrowed towards her only friend. Defensiveness had crept up on her, and was now forcing a shield between her and the boy on the couch.
    “Janie I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just worried I suppose. Worried for old you. That person made it out alive, you’re here now. I didn’t mean anything by what I said.” His hands were clenched together and he leant toward her trying to get her back to him. The wall between them crumpled, but as it did so did Janie. She put her hands to her eyes, leaned her head back and as she exhaled she became one with the chair. “I was an idiot, but I was so alone. And I thought they cared about me, but they didn’t. All they cared about was what I symbolized. I was well liked for the destruction I caused, not for who I was. That feeling guts me to this day. And I was able to leave and I found you, and now you are the one person who comforts me in the fact that I’m no longer alone. You like me for who I am. So now I need you to know all of me. Or this friendship is just a lie.” Tears streamed down her face as she said this. Sam lifted himself from the couch and as his arms outstretched, they reached for Janie’s waist and pulled her onto the ground with him.
    “You’re important to me no matter what you’ve done or what you say chump. So speak now, because your mistakes have made you who you are. And I like that person. I’m quite fond of her actually.”  He smiled and she couldn’t help but feel warmer, calmer.
    “Going back to the Center that night, something inside of me died, and something inside of me was born. I’m still not quite sure which parts of me those are, which sometimes is the scariest part for me. When I came home that night I became Corina. No more Janie. She was gone, for what Boss and the others hoped was forever. I was a force to recon with. I felt untouchable. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt loved. Everything around me was a façade. And I never gave it a second thought. Today…today the locks on the apartment doors were changed, but at first I thought someone had tried breaking in, or had gotten in. Part of me knows they are still looking for me. Sam what if they get to me through you?” She swallowed, knowing that through everything, losing Sam was the one thing that would break her back down.
    “Janie, you are special to me. It would take so much more than this earth alone to separate me from you. I could never turn on you.” He smiled at her and rubbed her arms to warm her. Although she was not physically cold, she enjoyed the sensation it brought her.
    “That means a lot to me Sam. Just promise me you’ll be careful?” She stared at him intently, and he nodded his head and leaned in to kiss her forehead. Janie had always appreciated that Sam was willing to take it so slow for her. That even though she hadn’t explained why she couldn’t be touched or be that way with him, he had somehow understood.  All this time…and now she began to realize that his level of interest in her was so much deeper than she had imagined. He was willing to listen to all of this, to expose himself to danger…She exhaled into his chest. His arms curled around her waist and she felt his breath in her hair. She started to speak again, mumbling against his chest.
    “Corina was a wrecking ball. Her…my path of destruction was unfixable, leaving nothing but confusion and chaos in its wake. I was celebrated at the Center. Burning churches wasn’t the only thing I did, and it certainly wasn’t by far the most horrifying. I was so blinded by sudden acceptance and feigned love that I gobbled it up and never questioned it.”
    She lightly grazed her head up and away from Sam’s chest until she was a few inches away. His breathing had accelerated slightly, and the rises in his chest confused her.
    “What did I say Sam?” Though Janie felt foolish for asking, after all, a better question may have been to ask what exactly bothered him most, considering this entire story was one that shook even her to the bone.   
    “I hope you don’t just gobble up my love for you.” Sam’s fingertips raised and trailed slightly along her cheek. “My love isn’t feigned Janie. I know you have told me several times that you aren’t ready for what I feel for you, but if it’s because you think that how I feel isn’t genuine…”His words trailed off and Janie shook her head. Of course that wasn’t it at all.
    “Sam, you’re the only person I’ve ever felt has even been real with me. You have to understand that regardless how wonderful that is, it’s incredibly scary. What happens if one day you don’t want me anymore? Couldn’t you see how world shattering that would be? I just couldn’t handle it.”  She was still absentmindedly shaking her head, until his hands reached for her face, and he held it in between his hands.
    “I just told you I wasn’t going to leave you. I truly believe that in my heart. You’re my best friend Jane. I’m not going to trade that for anything.” She started to feel like she was sinking into warm water. His words were so relaxing and wonderful, and yet at the same time part of her still feared that the water would pull her under.
    “Hey. Let’s get out of the apartment. It’s almost the end of the afternoon. Let’s go see a movie or something. That new action movie came out with Henry Dourgas.”
    Sam eyed her skeptically. “You want to see an action movie? Don’t you think that will scare you?”
    “Not anymore than a love story would.”
    They laughed. He agreed and picked her up off the floor. She disappeared to the bathroom to wipe her eyes and fix her make up, and as she turned the corner back to the living room, they grabbed their coats and left.
    She made sure she locked the door.
4

    “Corina!” A gruff voice shouted the name as a bright light flipped on. “Corina wake up!”
    A strong but slim young woman with tousled brown hair pushed at the body next to  her. “Go the fuck away I’m sleeping. I get to sleep til 5:00 this morning.”
    “Oh okay, I was under the impression you’d want to call your mission early, but forget it…I’ll just go tell David about it instead.” Humor was buried underneath the angry tone. The body shifted away from her, about to walk away.
    “Hold on! I’m up, I’m up!” Corina pushed herself off the mattress and sprung spryly next to the large body next to her.
    “Honestly Jo, what would I do without you?” She beamed up at her friend, who was probably half a foot taller than her.
    “You’d probably swear a lot less. Come on grumpy, let’s go claim some missions.” They walked out of their bedroom together, pacing each other and trying not to run. Missions could only be called by the top six members of the Center, who had been deemed the prodigals by boss. Corina had wormed herself into spot number three. Through occasional rule bending, and from younger members being so taken with them, Corina and Jo had managed to find out where the mission board had been posted. The youngest members always arranged and hid the missions board, since they were not ever to pick first, leaving the big achievers to wake up early and scout the board. Those who got there the quickest got their pick of missions first. After the prodigals had made their decisions, it was a mad house as the rest of the family scouted theirs out and grabbed for them. Corina was so thrilled to be in the top six now. She felt elitist and exuberant. And also humbled and complimented. Her and Jo skittered to a halt beside Jonna, a young red headed girl who had joined just a couple weeks ago. Jo and Corina had instantly pounced, making her feel warm and welcome, and very pleased that she was friends with the prodigals.
    “Hey, Jonna!” Corina erupted with genuine joy as they approached one of the new ones. Jonna blushed and ran to close the gap between Corina and herself. “Hey Corina! Hi Joesphine! I just finished posting the missions board and no one has seen it yet! It’s passed the second hall on the left. I’ll watch for you, go claim your missions! There were a couple really good ones!” She babbled faster than her mouth would allow her, and every other word came out as a slight slur. Corina smiled and thanked her, and walked quickly with Jo to the room Jonna had pointed them to.
    The board was covered with all sorts of newspaper clippings of churches, hospitals, schools, national monuments, and more. Attached to them were small envelopes, inside contained detailed instructions of their missions. Generally, there were only a handful of injustices they destroyed. Boss had told them in the beginning that places that linked the community together only benefited the elitists, and left everyone else out of their plans. This type of celebration could be seen as beautiful, but when you considered all those who were not allowed to participate- it was an ugly act. Therefore, all the children at the Center fixed it. Family members at the Center brought voices to those who could not find their own. They always set to work when these places were deserted, to insure that anyone who saw our message clearly could be saved. Churches, were the main evil. Boss felt as though any building that made people stand together and look down on people who did not believe what they did should be destroyed. They typically set pews on fire, though sometimes, the entire church would go up in flames. This was always celebrated at the Center, Boss told them when that particular thing happened, it meant the people realized their wicked ways, and let it burn.
    Second, were playgrounds. Playgrounds, Boss told us, were a monstrosity that boasted and encouraged immaturity. Regardless the age of someone, they should always want to grow up more, not keep themselves in a young state. They would uproot swing sets, gas down wooden jungle jims, and graffiti the sandboxes.
    Third, were hospitals. These were normally just tagged, as Boss said no one except the Center would realize what harm hospitals did. They would spray paint the walls, reminding people that in the days before technology, we accepted death and didn’t try to stop it. To Boss, trying to stop death kept people from crossing over to the other side. Without the other side, people were travelers who had gotten lost and refused to find our way home. Boss hated the sick. Boss hated any human who wasn’t apart of the Center, because they refused to open their eyes.
    Jo and Corina’s eyes moved all over the board, their fingers lightly tracing separate missions. Every few passes their fingers would graze each others, and they would both giggle and shake their heads lightly. Corina’s stomach gave her a slight jolt, and she shook her head a little more fiercely. She knew that feelings for other members of the Center besides a connection of family was wrong. Human emotions weren’t pure. Platonic love was the only emotion that wasn’t corrupted by selfishness.
    “There!” Corina exclaimed as she picked a small newspaper clipping off the board. “This oneis absolutely mine!” Her eyes skimmed over the print again, imbibing all the details of her mission. She was to break into the St. Jonas’ hospital and take a few files of selected doctors there. She had to get seven files all together, and had to get back out without anyone seeing her. She flicked the piece of paper under Jo’s nose to get his attention.
    Jo read over it quickly. He gave her a look. He shoved the slip back to her and grunted.
    “What?” Corina asked, feeling a strange sense of anxiousness in her throat.
    “That mission is too dangerous for you, you should pick another one.” His words were like a jab to her stomach, and it made her heart work overtime. She tried to tell herself she was just annoyed that Jo didn’t want her to do this mission, but deep down she knew she was happy because it was concern that worried him, and not jealousy. Almost instinctively, she looked around making sure no one had head what she was thinking. She half smiled to herself, thinking how ridiculous that seemed.
    “I’m not going to pick another one, I think this one is perfect.” She let the words come out slowly, to make sure her excitement didn’t show. Even knowing how Jo felt didn’t take the fear she had away. She also wondered why she was damaged. How she could feel like this when she knew it was so wrong. It made her feel guilty, but she couldn’t help what her heart felt. 
    “Corina, that mission is a prodigal A.” He let the words come like he were talking to a toddler. Corina knew a prodigal A mission was the most dangerous category there was. She opened her mouth.
    “So?”
    “So a prodigal A requires you to carry a cyanide pill.” His voice seemed stern and angry, and he took a slightly ragged breath before continuing. “Leave that to David. You’re far too valuable to Boss to take on a mission like that. You should know better, Corina.” He huffed out the last few words and looked down at her with an expression that said the words he couldn’t. Please don’t. For me.
    Corina’s expression softened considerably as she stared into Jo’s eyes. As his eyes softened she noticed the tiny flecks of gold in his hazel eyes. She blinked.
    “Fine, fine. Whatever you say, Joesphine.” He smiled broadly and nudged her shoulder. He tilted her chin towards his in a sudden movement and spoke. “I always knew I liked you for a reason.” Corina was momentarily dazed by his hands on her face. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks and shook her head off his fingers. “Shut up.” Jo pretended to look hurt for a moment before he chuckled and started skimming the board. “Ah, what to pick, what to pick…” His eyes moved back and forth across the board until they narrowed on a newspaper article. His long fingers curled around the edge of the clipping and plucked it off. “This one.” He slipped it into his pocket and crossed his arms over his chest. “Your turn. Pick smarter this time.”
    Corina rolled her eyes and narrowed her brows. “Don’t I get to see which one you picked? I find that only fair.” She didn’t wait for his response, as she already knew that he’d say no. She rolled her eyes at her own annoyance and preceded to look the board over again. The irritation crept up her throat. She could have done the Prodigal A mission. She wouldn’t have to use the cyanide pill, it was only a precaution anyway. Boss said that nothing could be led back to him because then everyone would be in danger. That made enough sense to her. She just knew she’d never be put in that position. If Boss could count on anyone, it could be her. She sighed. She knew, beyond the point of understanding it, that Jo would sit next to her bed for hours, worrying until she got home. The thought of doing that to him put an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. That feeling intensified as she realized she didn’t get to know which mission Jo was doing.
    Jo seemed to be estimating her mood, and shifted towards her a little. “I know what you’re thinking Cor. You’re too confident for your own good. Here.” His fingers traced another slip of paper and yanked it down. “I think you’d enjoy this one.” He placed the paper in her palm and turned around. “I’m going to go grab breakfast. I’ll save you a seat.” And he whisked out of the room. Corina felt goose bumps raise on her arm as his quick dismissal had whirled the cool air around her. She held the piece of paper up and couldn’t contain a laugh. So like Jo. She grabbed a tack and shoved the paper back on the board.
    “Center cleaning day. Shred all papers that have been uploaded into the main computer.”
    She looked one more time, found one that made her eyes widen, took it, and hurried after Jo.
5
    “That movie was awful. I’m not even going to lie.” Sam started laughing. Janie joined in, thinking of the all the action moves that seemed so cheesy. She threw her arm inside of his and stepped at his pace. The movie hadn’t been enough to keep some memories from her mind, in fact, one scene had jarred a memory so specific that it took her a few minutes to block it out. Two of the spies in the film had been looking over a huge board, trying to figure things out, and the memory of her and Jo came slamming into her so hard that she thought she would have given herself away to Sam. She scrutinized his face, but he didn’t seem to notice. Sam threw his arm around her and squeezed her into his side.
    “Are you really sure a love story would have been that bad?” He teased. Janie shot him a look. “Are you doubting my exquisite taste in movies?” She asked, trying her best to sound serious.
    “Ah, alas you are right, what was I thinking?” He jostled her shoulder and smiled warmly at her. “So do you want to continue your story or do you want to save it for later?”

Revision Draft: Beginning 7/20/11

The blades of the fan circled slowly enough so that the dust lining each blade was noticeable. It irritated the girl who sat below them, nestled into a white leather sofa. She craned her neck to watch the rotations. Everything in the room was white and smelled of disinfectant, as if the confessions told in the room were so dire only Clorox could really purge them from the walls. She heard the door to her left open. Footsteps and the rustling of paper caused her to roll her eyes and sigh.
The man walked by her with an elegance that didn't quite match his profession. She studied him carefully. His gray slacks reminded her of the dust that circled above her.
He turned to her as he sat down in the adjacent chair. He fiddled with a small black object. The girl heard a faint click.

"Could you state your name for the record please?" It must have been a tape recorder. She shifted her weight.

"Janie Leto."  The handcuffs were starting to make her wrists itch.

"And how old are you Ms. Leto?"

"I'm 16." He nodded and scribbled something onto his legal pad.

"Ms. Leto, do you understand why you're here?" Janie let out a small, almost inaudible sigh. "Does anyone?" A faint smile tugged at the man's lips. "Well, Ms. Leto, I know I'm here to help you. So why don't you tell me, do you know why you're here?"
"It's part of my rehabilitation program at the residential treatment center. I come here, tell you my life story..." She nodded toward his paper. "You write your little notes down, make me seem like a boring textbook case, and then I go back to the RTC a new woman. Sound about right to you, Doc?"
There was no faint smile this time. "You can call me Milo. I'm glad you understand why you're here Janie, but I don't think you're going to be leaving the psychiatric ward for some time. I'm hoping you understand why." She nodded. "I can deal with that." He shuffled his papers and looked at her. "I'm going to ask you a series of questions, and I'd like you to answer them as truthfully as you can." The girl blinked her eyes.

"Shoot."